We’ve all read headlines like this:
SHOCKING! Man kills best friend, reveals that he was envious of friend’s lifestyle.
Hey there! It’s your email bestie here again and as you might have guessed, we’re talking about jealousy today.
Everyone gets jealous at some point but a great number of people never truly learn how to curb their envy of other people. In this newsletter, we’ll be talking about my personal journey with jealousy. But first, here’s Something To Think About.
You never “arrive”, you just show up to a new club as the brokest member.
- Anthony Nuara
Pretty profound, isn’t it? If you aren’t Nigerian and the context isn’t exactly clear to you, to “arrive” means to have succeeded ultimately; to have reached the pinnacle of success and “brokest” means least prosperous.
moving on to today’s topic…
Everyone struggles with jealousy but I believe it was worse for me especially when I was younger because I’m a naturally competitive person.
Growing up, it was all about being the best at everything. As a child, I was pretty bright so being top of my class came quite easily. However, success did not come as easily in other areas, such as being the best singer in the children’s choir at church.
Comparison+ Competitiveness+ Ambition
=
Jealousy Cocktail
Being the first daughter in a Nigerian home, there were also unique pressures that came with that. I was expected to be the model child, take responsibility, take initiative and lead my siblings by example. The pressure was real!
My sister and I were also constantly compared with each other and with other children but I honestly do not even blame my parents for it. It was the way they knew to motivate us and in most cases, it worked! It just left unpleasant side effects in some cases. If you’re Nigerian/African, then you understand this.
Long story short, I was always aiming for one thing or another and sometimes, this led to jealousy especially when it seemed like someone else had something I wanted.
I became consciously aware of my jealousy when I started to act out and my parents mentioned it. However, they simply mentioned it, I had no idea how to stop being jealous. And believe me, I tried.
I remember crying myself to sleep some nights because I was consciously trying to become a better person but all my effort wasn’t paying off. Each time I was faced with a situation, I would still react with jealousy.
I felt very bad about it and I often wished that I had a switch that I could just use to turn off the jealous side of myself. Funny, right?
Eventually, I understood that jealousy is a natural emotion and everyone feels jealous from time to time. However, each person must learn to manage their jealousy just like one would learn to manage anger or sadness.
Thus began my journey of many discoveries and stumbles. That journey is still ongoing (it’s a lifelong journey) but I have grown considerably and I would just like to share a few thoughts that might help you manage jealousy better. Let’s go!
𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔞 𝔯𝔬𝔰𝔢 𝔟𝔲𝔱 𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔞𝔪𝔢…
Truth: Everyone is different. Different does not mean better, it just means different.
This truth up here was something that was so difficult for me to grasp. I constantly compared myself to others without considering the fact that I’m different and my path is different.
The fact that I'm not this person that I admire so much doesn't mean that they're better than me. While I understand this now, it took me so long to make it a part of my mindset.
Focus. Don’t compare. Determine what’s important to you and FOCUS.
I remember making the statement above my phone’s Home Screen back then. I needed a constant reminder not to get fixated on other people’s journeys but to focus on my path and grow in the direction that’s specific to me.
A growing understanding of this truth, myself, my individuality and my path has helped me greatly in the past few months.
I’ve talked about it in previous newsletters but my work simply flows now. I’m not trying so ardently to pattern my life after someone else’s and the amount of times I’ve gotten jealous because of someone else’s success has reduced.
In most cases, I’ve come to realize that although I admire what they’ve done/achieved, achieving that same thing is simply not a part of my unique journey. I’ve now acquired the ability to admire something without desiring it.
I’m on my path, I’m growing and it’s been an absolutely beautiful journey so far.
your role is DIFFΣЯΣПƬ
One source of jealousy that I’ve noticed with myself in recently is feeling excluded.
As a part of certain online communities, it sometimes feels like I’m not really a part of the community. It feels like I know these people but when they want to collaborate on amazing projects, I’m not invited and I have to admit, that makes me jealous.
However, I’ve learnt that our roles in communities differ. You might just be the Encourager or the Financier or the Sounding Board. Whatever your role is in these communities, it’s very important for you to not be envious of another/ try to usurp his/her role.
When you have the same goal as a group of people, competing to play someone else's role is counterproductive.. You should not be competing to be the face of physical outreaches when you’re meant to be building capacity to finance the project(s).
Discover what your role is, and serve faithfully.
𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖑𝖆𝖜 𝖔𝖋 𝖗𝖊𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖉
A lot of times, we look at people’s accomplishments and we forget that it took them literal years to get to where they are.
We envy the perceived “ease” with which they do what they do without taking their years of painful mastery into account.
In my case, I realized that a lot of the things I envied were simply things I hadn’t put in the effort to achieve. That kind of envy is one of the most dangerous kinds because it embitters you and blinds you to ways in which you can better yourself.
All that you see is how this person that has what you want got “lucky” or were undeserving of what they achieved. You portray yourself as the victim, the one that no one likes; I think it goes without saying that such a mindset can be even more damaging than the feeling of envy itself.
Another way this kind of envy can set in is through a difference in personalities. People react to different energies differently. If you’re a naturally reserved person, you cannot realistically expect people (strangers and casual friends) to treat you the same way they would a more bubbly personality. It’s not that they don’t like you, it’s that your energy rubs off on people differently.
If you’re not the kind of person that reaches out, you might have fewer and/or less intimate relationships. Either you get comfortable with that reality or you choose to be different. Envying someone with a different personality who happens to have more friends is very damaging.
Truth: Everything comes at a cost. If you’re unwilling to pay the price to attain something, envying that same thing in another person’s life is a dangerous, slippery slope.
When I notice this kind of envy, I draw a hard line and have a tough conversation with myself. I intentionally take note of what makes me different from the person I’m envious of. I also make it a point to pray for the person, to pray for the integrity of my heart and for the grace to stay the course on my own path.
𝖌𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖚𝖉𝖊 𝖒𝖆𝖐𝖊𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖎𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊
Like I said before, jealousy is a normal human emotion. However, with myself, I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling jealous repeatedly over a period of time, it’s often a sign that I’ve either lost sight of what is most significant to me or I’ve begun to lose gratitude/ appreciation for what I do have.
Whenever I notice this, I always take a step back and just sit with my thoughts for a while. I journal, I ask myself questions, and I make honest evaluations. I rewrite the things that are most significant to me as well as the things I love about my own life and my unique journey. This helps me to stay grounded and in tune with myself.
Life nowadays can be very fast-paced and there’s often pressure to achieve more than ever before. Occasionally, this pressure gets to me and every time this happens, I start to compare a lot more, thus increasing the tendency to get jealous.
The way I’ve learnt to manage this is by simply taking a break. During this break, I get the chance to re-evaluate my goals and also to ensure that I’m not setting goals with a standard of success that isn’t mine. I reflect on my blessings even as I work to achieve even more.
It can be challenging to learn to manage envy better but it is possible. I hope that you’ve been able to learn a few things that you can put to effective use from today’s newsletter. Please let me know what your thoughts are.
Until next time, Shine Bright.
Love, Dolapo.
PS: Here’s a quick reminder that I’m still taking custom journal orders for a limited time period.
Gratitude journalling is a great way to help you stay grateful and keep jealousy at bay. Additionally, If you’re trying to organize and track your life across different aspects, this might be a right fit for you.
Click here to get started.
Nice piece.
Everyone is on a unique journey. Focus brings the best of us.
Important as school resumes because everybody seems to have hit a milestone or the other and pressure to impress comes in.
Welldone
Thank you for this timely newsletter Doalpo!